Troll Flick
by Charcoal Cosplay
Summary: Sam and Dean go to the movies, where they run into Crowley and Castiel. The film turns out to be horrible and barely watchable. Riffing ensues.


**SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED**

"**TROLL FLICK"**

Hi ya! Before I get into the "Secret War" which is already becoming heavier than I previously imagined, which is saying something for the "point and laff gag" stuff I'm used to, I thought I'd write a brief, possibly non-canon story.

It's a breather story for me cause "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

And the WIFE is like "Get off that type writer and take out the f**king garbage!"

And Jack is all "Yes, honey."

Anyway, Sam, and Dean go to a movie, but it's everything less than what they expected. They run into Crowley and Castiel at the theater. Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffing ensues. Enjoy!

Here's a quick synopsis of Troll Flick. Pray it never becomes a real thing.

Synopsis-**In orderr to becmeme the new kig, a squir mus defeet a monsrous dragn and rescue a priness but a hungry gln grizzly bear workingfor his uncle wizard stand in hes way and wans to desroy the kindom to rule it. Ad the mole peepl figt the squirs dog cause they hate dogs but not rats they eat can jetfeul save da plaanet?**

EXT. CINEPLEX - NIGHT

The IMPALA pulls into the parking lot.

Aerosmith's Walk This Way plays. Dean kills the engine and the music dies before anyone can be sued. He and SAM step out.

SAM

I'm telling you, Dean, everyone's talking about this movie. This is gonna be great.

DEAN

A movie night with my brother. Awesome.

SAM

Shut up.

DEAN

You got the tickets?

SAM

Yeah. Right he-yah!

SAM flashes two tickets.

DEAN

Good, cause that guy guarding the exit door looks pissed.

GUARD paces back and forth with an assault rifle.

GUARD

This is my rifle! There are many like it, but this one is mine!

SAM

Let's go.

DEAN

Wait. Should I be wearing Dad's jacket or something post season five?

SAM

You're worried about continuity?

DEAN

What?

SAM

Canon.

DEAN

Like on a pirate ship?

SAM

Just forget it.

Sam and Dean hold hands and skip up to the booth. Safety first.

SAM

There you go, my good man. Two tickets to Troll Flick.

TICKET TAKER

Go f**k yourselves. I mean, go right in, then go f **k yourselves.

DEAN

That's more like it.

INT. CINEPLEX - NIGHT

SERVER

Can I help you?

DEAN

Depends on how big your goobers are.

Dean smiles.

SERVER

Uh, I'm gonna have to get my manager.

DEAN

Why does everyone always say that?

SAM laughs.

DEAN

What?

Sam whispers to him.

DEAN

What?! Why can't anything mean what it used to mean?

SAM

Dude, if y want to waste your money, that's fine. But I have a cheaper method.

Sam unzips his coat. He reveals a large soda and several snacks. He winks, then zips the coat back up.

SAM

I'll be watching the really loud previews.

Sam exits.

COKE DEALER

Free large coke, sir?

DEAN

What? I can't snort this shit!

MANAGER

Excuse me, sir? Is there a problem?

DEAN

No. No problem. I just want to buy some goobers. For eating. With my mouth. Oh boy, I'm hearing it now.

MANAGER

Despite what you may have read in a bathroom stall, this is not that kind of place, sir. You may want to check the Denny's just down the street. Now be gone.

DEAN

I was just -

MANAGER

Be gone!

Dean heads for the movie.

INT. THEATER – LATER

SAM sits in an empty theater sipping a large soda and eating some popcorn.

Dancing movies snacks sing onscreen.

**MOVIE SNACKS**

**Let's all go to the movies! Let's all go to the movies! Let all go to the movies and riff on its shitty soundtrack!**

Dean sits one seat away from Sam.

DEAN

Dude, give me some popcorn.

SAM

No.

DEAN

What do ya mean, "no"?

SAM

I have rules, Dean. We're living in a fucking society, man.

DEAN

B word.

SAM

J word.

CROWLEY

(appearing in-between them)

Hello, boys.

DEAN

Oh s**t.

SAM

F**k you want, Crowley?

CROWLEY

Do you kiss your mommy with that mouth?

DEAN

No. Not anymore.

Dean cries and hugs a teddy bear.

TEDDY BEAR

I shouldn't be alive.

DEAN

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

CROWLEY

Just out for an evening at the theatre. Can't we all just get along?

SAM

No.

CASTIEL

(sitting next to Dean)

Hello, Dean. Hi, Sam.

CROWLEY

I'm here too.

SAM

No one cares.

DEAN

Cas?

CASTIEL

It's important that we spend some quality time together.

CASTIEL and DEAN look at each other. Can you feel the love tonight?

SAM

(under his breath)

Destiel.

DEAN

What?

SAM

What?

DEAN

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?

CROWLEY

Quiet, you miscreants! The show's about to start.

SAM

Who wants bacon?

CASTIEL

Not a pig named Wilbur.

DEAN

Seriously, Sam?

CROWLEY

Shush!

The lights dim. Four silhouettes appear just like Mystery Science Theater 3000.

A roaring LION logo plays.

SAM

Oh s**t. That roaring lion logo gets me every time.

The movie begins.

Annoying music plays

CROWLEY

Where was this shot? In a meth lab in Tuscany?

Words appear on the screen

**De fawlin felm iz rotted PG.**

**NILBOG CINEMA PRESENTS**

"**troLl FLiCk"**

People in poorly made troll costumes dance around a tree for some reason.

CROWLEY

Bloody hell. Did someone's slow kid make the costumes out of construction paper?

CASTIEL

This seems very inaccurate.

DEAN

You think?

CASTIEL

Yes. Very much so.

Words come up, Star Wars style.

**woonce apon a tim dere waz trolz. ddey waz bed andevil. and kang was lik "you stp be bad *6^51? trolz! but trols wes not liken him.**

SAM

It looks like someone had a seizure on twitter.

The words continue.

**? den the mutant notzees fight rabots to de def cause kno one that sleep well coudld.**

DEAN

Go home, baby. You're drunk.

**Now all them went do mIsa to capcher dragons. but Liesza cut the rop end they die. the vilalge canot cartos blep you are? aBbey fight! You "said Glengan; he squiret fird 9 of total arm bings to he hed of volmort. he ded bu no dye. Xox 7 –huh? then harrys potter toks his wnad out and touck ron and hermonini too death wit eet.**

SAM

The fuck is happening?

Two ghost samurai fight with crudely made lightsabers.

**GHOST SAMURAI 1**

**I veel destroy you, herr tratirot!**

DEAN

Dude, where the hell are you supposed to be from?

**GHOST SAMURAI 2**

**(subtitled in French, Japanese, German and oh, fuck, I give up)**

**Den yOuR oUt OF LuCk, TamASo! pREPare tO DiE!**

CROWLEY

Kill me now.

Then two robots come out of nowhere and we leave the two samurais and follow them.

**ROBOT 1**

**Yee haw!**

SAM

Fuck this. Dean, let's go. Dean?

Dean sleeps. He rests his head on Cas' shoulder.

CASTIEL

Twinkle, twinkle, little Dean

Let me keep away the dream fiends

SAM

Really?

CASTIEL

Driving your black muscle car

While I watch over you from afar

SAM

Get a room.

CASTIEL

Twinkle, twinkle, little Dean

Let me keep away the dream fiends.

Good-night.

Cas kisses Dean on the head.

CROWLEY

Don't be jealous, Moose. You still have me.

Crowley sticks a straw in Sam's cup and sips.

SAM

Damn it, Crowley!

CROWLEY

Let me know when you finish the popcorn.

SAM

Why?

CROWLEY

I collect the boxes.

(under his breathe)

And cut holes in the bottom of them.

CASTIEL

Long intro for a movie.

CROWLEY

Star Wars did it better.

Now there is a badly painted VAMPIRE on the screen.

SAM

Is this even the same movie? It's like Monster A-Go Go, but somehow worse.

**VAMPIRE**

**Gude evening.**

CASTIEL

Must be a different one.

Sam snickers.

**VAMPIRE**

**Welcome to an intriguing night of thrilling delight.**

SAM

I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

**VAMPIRE**

**On this incredible journey you will see many things that can not be UN-seen!**

CROWLEY

I can name at least one of them now.

**VAMPIRE**

**After hearing this tale, you will question your reality.**

SAM

If you don't blow your brains out first.

Crowley high-fives Sam. Sam wipes his hand on Dean's shoulder.

DEAN

(in his sleep)

Kill Bill? Uma, baby, I'll gank any f**king body you want me to with a smile like that.

Obviously fake spiders invade an obviously fake town.

**SHERIFF**

**Run for your life!**

CROWLEY

Truer words were never spoken.

The sheriff fires at the fake spiders that don't even move.

SAM

Oh no, out of bullets! Throw the gun! That'll teach 'em to be arachnids and not insects.

**SCIENTIST**

**Sheriff, we may have found a way. A way to stop them. To stop the spiders. The spiders that have invaded. Invaded this town.**

CASTIEL

Did someone write his lines on the fly?

The sheriff, now black, holds the corpse of a toy spider.

**SHERIFF**

**How?**

SAM

Wasn't the sheriff white a minute again?

CROWLEY

At least he's still the same gend - And there it is.

**FEMALE SHERIFF**

**(Minnesota accent)**

**Oh doir. I haft run out of bowlets.**

CROWLEY

You could always throw yourselves off an overpass.

DEAN

(waking up)

How long was I asleep? And where's the dragon they showed in the trailer?

**SCIENTIST**

**Bwahah ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha! It was all a trick. All of it. A trick.**

SAM

Are you sure? Cause no one seems to know what the hell is going on from one minute to the next.

**SHERIFF**

**(now a white male again, but a different one than the first)**

**You will be stopped by me.**

CASTIEL

So the sheriff is a shapeshifter?

CROWELY

That seems to be the most consistent thing, yes.

**SCIENTIST**

**No. You will die. Now. Now you will die. Ha haha! Eat him my pets! Eat the one I command you to eat!**

DEAN

What is this? Plan 9 from the Crack Shack?

The Sheriff wrestles a giant spider.

SAM

Lift with your legs, Sheriff!

DEAN

Come on, Sheriff! Hogan slammed Andre!

The film cuts to a village.

CROWLEY

Just how pirated is this film?

CASTIEL

It appears the filmmaker has a severe case of ADD.

Dean laughs.

SAM

Where the f**k would you find this in the movie categories?

DEAN

At the very bottom of a five dollar DVD bin.

Sam grins. He throws popcorn in the air and catches it in his mouth.

A messenger rides up to a cardboard castle on a donkey. The KING, literally dressed in spray painted cardboard armor, walks out.

CROWLEY

Shrek 6: Fuck It.

**MESSENGER**

**Mi larwd, thve illagers havft rebel!**

SAM

Okay, see there are accents and there are speech impediments. Pick one.

DEAN

Good one, Sammy.

SAM

Thanks, Dean.

**KING**

**WE HAVE TO STOP THEM BUT HOW?!**

CASTIEL

By making them all deaf?

CROWLEY

Who runs the finances? That's the poorest kingdom I've ever seen.

DEAN

I heard all the interior shots were filmed in an abandoned warehouse.

**SQUIRE**

**I well proob I em the righfell king!**

SAM

Doubt it. When are we getting back to those ghost samurai? Oh, that's right, never.

**MAID**

**Halp! Halp!**

CROWLEY

Are angry villagers who saw an early screening after you?

**KING**

**WHAT IS IT?!**

CASTIEL

What? Could you speak up?

**KING**

**WHAT HAS HAPPENED?!**

CROWLEY

Brian Blessed? Is that you?

**MAID**

**The queen es ben kinapt.**

SAM

I hope by someone who can form coherent sentences.

**KING**

**WHAT TO DO?!**

DEAN

Finally have the surgery?

I shit you NOT. The NEXT FRAME is a ten minute extreme close-up of a bowl of Fruit Loops.

SAM

Does that count as a Chekhov's Gun or no?

DEAN

I think it's a MacGuffin.

CASTIEL

Looks like cereal to me.

CROWLEY

Careful, boys. I heard whoever watches this film goes berserk.

DEAN

They kill themselves?

CROWLEY

No, they kill whoever was willingly involved with this drivel.

SAM

As for their careers, that little problem took care of itself.

THE CAST OF REGULAR SHOW

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaa!

**SQUIRE**

**I weel recoo her, fahder. Oh let me. I will proob myselve.**

DEAN

Rescue a princess? Kid can't even read.

**KING**

**YOU MUST PROVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN GO OUT AND PROVE YOURSELF!**

DEAN

Imagine the soundtrack to this. Oh my frickin' ears!

The Squire wrestles a bear, which is a dude in a poorly made costume.

SAM

I got five Gs on Mowgli.

DEAN

Get him, Baloo! Show him the bare necessities!

CROWLEY

I think I see a watch. Odd. Now why would a bear need a watch?

CASTIEL

You may be on to something.

The Squire has the bear in a headlock. You can see one of the bear's gloves come off, exposing a human hand.

CROWLEY

Wardrobe malfunction!

SAM

Blimey! Tis jus a man in a rubber suit!

The Squire holds a large box painted to look like a stone.

DEAN

Hercules! Hercules!

SAM

Man, that box looks heavy.

CASTIEL

It must be full of rocks.

**SQUIRE**

**Do nert make me do this thing to kill.**

**BEAR**

**Roar.**

CROWLEY

And the Academy Award doesn't go to...

**BEAR**

**Roar. You cain't stob me. I am a bear. You are man. Roar. I will eat you up now. Roar. Growl. Roar.**

SAM

I think he's gonna need a megazord for this!

Squire crushes the bear by dropping the box on his chest. The box is crushed.

DEAN

That is the squarest damn stone I've ever seen.

**KING**

**NOW YOU ARE READY! GO, MY SON! AND AVENGE ME!**

The King dies from his wounds.

SAM

When did he get hit?

CASTIEL

Why is a vampire telling this story? Shouldn't it be scary?

CROWLEY

When will this movie be over?

The Squire makes long, overly dramatic leaps. Oh yeah, he's on the MOON now for some reason...

CROWLEY

This must be the sequel.

SAM

Horrible Movie 2: IN SPAAAAAACE!

A van with a papier-mâché snake head painted the same color of the moon chases him.

**SQUIRE**

**Oh noaw! A sand snake!**

CASTIEL

Presumably driven by sand people.

**SAND SNAKE**

**Hisss! SSSquire!**

DEAN

It talks? F**king thing talks? Face meet palm. Palm face.

**SQUIRE**

**What es it that you want?**

**SAND SNAKE**

**Hiss!**

CROWLEY

At least it knows its pronouns.

**SAND SNAKE**

**Hiss! Your uncle wizard sssent me to sssstop you!**

DEAN

Wouldn't it have been easier to just hop in a van and run the guy down or use those wizard powers?

**SQUIRE**

**Your well not defeet mey!**

SAM

Prepare to die, Grammar Man!

The Squire jumps on top of the Sand Snake and chokes the papier-mâché head.

CROWLEY

That's one ugly-ass float. No wonder it didn't win.

DEAN

I can see the guy driving the van!

The Squire stabs the snake head even though he didn't have a sword before.

CROWLEY

Where was he hiding that?

CASTIEL

Back of a van.

They all laugh.

The van shuts off.

SAM

Those fuel line ruptures are killers, man.

The Squire walks away. The suddenly stops.

**SQUIRE**

**Oh new! Quickes san!**

He sinks to his knees.

DEAN

I have a GED, dude, and I'm a _hundred_ percent sure that's not how quick sand works.

The screen fades to black and words appear.

SAM

Oh no, reading! A fate worst than death!

**the de squire flet his ankells byut dtyhe quicks san tokked him under. Qhwach back! "said" the squir. I haf nt the tym to will out.**

CASTIEL

Hooked on Phonics. I heavily suggest you look into it.

**Nwat lyk this! "?he shotted!**

CROWLEY

Yep. He shotted all over himself.

**Arghgan i em tour dragun. Oh shet siad the sqwer nobaa lok likme the is guny be dey.**

SAM

This is the hardest Wheel of Fortune puzzle to solve ever.

**noffin wery replieyed sa dragoon grap my tael of you lift you out.**

DEAN

Shit. I think I'd rather just die in the quick sand.

**Yed be edoin this fer me sayed the squer?**

CROWLEY

Chat Roulette the Movie: Are You a Cop?

**Ads eb princess wizrdd baetel!**

SAM

And Ash defeated Princess Wizrdd, but, alas, no Pikachu in sight.

**Lem e you hes gotwt heart. And the sqwuire n the prness leafed hply eve43r after. Now drgon freend bu he stel tect hem wen n eed to. thes esy the how it ended.**

CROWLEY

Is that it? Can I leave? I don't know how many brain cells I have left.

The credits roll. It's as bad as the film. Full of names like Ruuger Slostanetneisteinner and the like.

SAM

I feel like someone should have apologized to us before and after we watched that.

DEAN

It should come with a big warning labeled "Caution! Minutes wasted watching this can not be recovered!"

A horrible song plays.

CROWLEY

Hello, newly discovered torture.

**SINGER**

**Oyn fero dragin warrior!**

**Lobos gor yur szein!**

SAM

Come on, everybody!

**SINGER**

**Ceven nvel, minas!**

**Lelio bske tnbf!**

CASTIEL

They're playing our song.

DEAN

New drinking game. Take a drink every time you recognize any f**king word they say.

CROWLEY

Yes, because I like sobriety.

They get up and head for the exit.

DEAN

Let's hit a bar. Who's with me?

Everyone agrees and they exit.

EXT. CINEPLEX - LATE NIGHT

Dean reaches into his jeans for his keys.

SAM

Hurry, Dean. This place gets weirder and weirder by the night.

CLOWN

(high pitched voice)

I'm a clown!

(deep voice)

Touch my ass.

CASTIEL

Is there some prize involved?

DEAN

Cas!

CASTIEL

Coming.

All four pile into the car.

INT. IMPALA - LATE NIGHT

Sam tweets.

DEAN

Whatcha doin'?

SAM

Giving this film a scathing review.

DEAN

So a basic one?

SAM

Seriously, we should find all surviving copies of the film and salt and burn them. Send them back to Hell. Much offense, Crowley.

CROWLEY

None taken. So, does everyone have a karaoke song picked out?

Sam, Dean, and Cas look at each other.

The Impala drives away. Crowley is left behind.

CROWLEY

I'm defriending you all!

Sodjer kln flept kaks. (-_-)

The End?


End file.
